It could be like this every day.. just shut down from all thoughts which are running through my head, clear the mind view and probably the best spot possible to write.
The past weeks have been perfect for a mind detox, it was not only having time for self reflection but I also had time to understand how far I came off road from the path I was persuing.
I hardly recognized that I was denying the reason which actually put me in this position at the moment. A neverending struggle against loss.
Beeing always someone able to define where I was and where I wanted to be in life, never beeing afraid of failure, I was capable to point out exactly what I had to do to reach it and no matter what it would cost, I would go for it without hesitation.
Then there was a brake in this chapter and life presented me with a huge burden which pulled me out from where I wanted to be, it was not imediatly it took a couple of years to progress.
When my dad passed away, it was not only loosing someone I cared or loved as much or even more then myself, although good and bad things happened between us, it was loosing a pilar which sustented your existence throughout your intire life and broke your bubble of protection and resistence in an emotional way.
I now can say that a part of me was gone as well with him, and soon or later dealing with it was the only way to get over it.
You might have been hurt till your deepest essence and back, feeling like you are so broken that you hardly can stand up and just move the fuck out of where you are, but it will not be understandable for those you hurt just because you were not prepared getting knocked out again.
So basicly hurting first not to get hurt turns out to be the protection shield you need and you use it, every time when you heart alerts danger and abused of it till exaustion of others and yourself.
No work, no hobby, no friends, no boyfriend, neither your dreams, really nothing will be the reason for solving this conflict with yourself. It´s a fight you have to manage on your own with yourself, this means growing out of yourself and be conscious that this is not about bringing others to understand how you feel about this and how this affects the wrong choices you´ve made before (no one ever will, unless they walked the same steps in life as you, what is pretty much impossible), most of all, it is about forgiving yourself for commiting faults and fail, although you know to avoid them and criticize yourself for it.
Some days we are strong and others we just don´t, we can not blame ourselves for imperfection. It´s our nature.
First rule of your first day of the rest of your life: Treat yourself well and be surrounded by those ones which perfectly understand you intuitively without long explanations, they will stay because they feel what you´re feeling and beeing hard or not for them, they will stay because it makes sense for them to give as much it makes for you to accept that you do not have to be alone. It´s about those things life is all about.
It´s enough for today, I feel like my beach towel neighbours are starring because I write and write and write. Time to jump into the sea and take some pictures. Wish you all a nice weekend marzipans, *chuack
Ni
The past weeks have been perfect for a mind detox, it was not only having time for self reflection but I also had time to understand how far I came off road from the path I was persuing.
I hardly recognized that I was denying the reason which actually put me in this position at the moment. A neverending struggle against loss.
Beeing always someone able to define where I was and where I wanted to be in life, never beeing afraid of failure, I was capable to point out exactly what I had to do to reach it and no matter what it would cost, I would go for it without hesitation.
Then there was a brake in this chapter and life presented me with a huge burden which pulled me out from where I wanted to be, it was not imediatly it took a couple of years to progress.
When my dad passed away, it was not only loosing someone I cared or loved as much or even more then myself, although good and bad things happened between us, it was loosing a pilar which sustented your existence throughout your intire life and broke your bubble of protection and resistence in an emotional way.
I now can say that a part of me was gone as well with him, and soon or later dealing with it was the only way to get over it.
You might have been hurt till your deepest essence and back, feeling like you are so broken that you hardly can stand up and just move the fuck out of where you are, but it will not be understandable for those you hurt just because you were not prepared getting knocked out again.
So basicly hurting first not to get hurt turns out to be the protection shield you need and you use it, every time when you heart alerts danger and abused of it till exaustion of others and yourself.
No work, no hobby, no friends, no boyfriend, neither your dreams, really nothing will be the reason for solving this conflict with yourself. It´s a fight you have to manage on your own with yourself, this means growing out of yourself and be conscious that this is not about bringing others to understand how you feel about this and how this affects the wrong choices you´ve made before (no one ever will, unless they walked the same steps in life as you, what is pretty much impossible), most of all, it is about forgiving yourself for commiting faults and fail, although you know to avoid them and criticize yourself for it.
Some days we are strong and others we just don´t, we can not blame ourselves for imperfection. It´s our nature.
First rule of your first day of the rest of your life: Treat yourself well and be surrounded by those ones which perfectly understand you intuitively without long explanations, they will stay because they feel what you´re feeling and beeing hard or not for them, they will stay because it makes sense for them to give as much it makes for you to accept that you do not have to be alone. It´s about those things life is all about.
By the way, this picture I found by accident in an old cam which I start using again.
Living a dream without knowing it :)
It´s enough for today, I feel like my beach towel neighbours are starring because I write and write and write. Time to jump into the sea and take some pictures. Wish you all a nice weekend marzipans, *chuack
Ni
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